19 posts tagged “life”

지금 알고 있는 걸 그때도 알았더라면
내 가슴이 말하는 것에 더 자주 귀 기울였으리라.
더 즐겁게 살고, 덜 고민했으리라.
금방 학교를 졸업하고 머지않아 직업을 가져야 한다는 걸 깨달았으리라.
아니, 그런것들은 잊어 버렸으리라.
다른 사람들이 나에 대해 말하는 것에는
신경쓰지 않았으리라.
그 대신 내가 가진 생명력과 단단한 피부를 더 가치있게 여겼으리라.

더 많이 놀고, 덜 초조해 했으리라.
진정한 아름다움은 자신의 인생을 사랑하는 데 있음을 기억했으리라.
부모가 날 얼마나 사랑하는가를 알고
또한 그들이 최선을 다하고 있었음을 믿었으리라.

사랑에 더 열중하고
그 결말에 대해선 덜 걱정했으리라.
설령 그것이 실패로 끝난다 해도
더 좋은 어떤 것이 기다리고 있음을 믿었으리라.

아, 나는 어린아이처럼 행동하는 걸 두려워하지 않았으리라.
더 많은 용기를 가졌으리라.
모든 사람에게 좋은 면을 발견하고
그것들을 그들과 함께 나눴으리라.

지금 알고 있는 걸 그때도 알았더라면
나는 분명코 춤추는 법을 배웠으리라.
내 육체를 있는 그대로 좋아했으리라.
내가 만나는 사람을 신뢰하고
나 역시 누군가에게 신뢰할 만한 사람이 되었으리라.

입맞춤을 즐겼으리라.
정말로 자주 입을 맞췄으리라.
분명코 더 감사하고,
더 많이 행복해 했으리라.
지금 알고 있는 걸 그때도 알았더라면.

by Kimberly Kirberger

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your live, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, after that, you'd better know something.
 
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people, it's what they do about it. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you'll see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
 
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that there are people, who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance same goes for true love.
 
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgive by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
 
I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
 
I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe. I've learned to love and be loved. I've learned.
 
- Omer Washington

+
yes, i too have learned and i am continuously learning, every moment in my life.
still, there's so much to learn -- so much to be seen, so much to be heard, so much to be experienced, so much to be realized, so much to be understood.. 
so, i hope never to stop learning, until the day i die.

#
사랑하는 사람을 잃었을 때 생기는
주체하지 못할만큼의 슬픔과
가슴 속의 빈자리.
그리고,
살아가는 매 순간마다 느껴지는 그것을 어찌하지 못하는
꼬마.

솔직히 꼬마의 행동이 꽤나 annoying했던 적도 많았는데
다 읽고 나니
아....
이해하겠다.
그 마음 알겠다.

얼마나 아프고 멍들었을까.
그 작고 어린 가슴.

상처가 따끔따끔 쓰라리다 못해 너무 아파 온 몸이 먹먹하지 않았을까....
그런 고통을 이해하고 감당해내기엔 너무 어린 나이니까.
솔직히 나이가 무슨 상관이겠어.
어른인 나도 어찌할줄 몰랐을텐데.

그런 상황이 닥쳐오면,
그런 아픔이 몰려오면,
어떻게 대처해야하는지 아는 사람이 있을까?
아무도 모를껄.
정답은 없으니까..

there is no right way to deal.
of course not.

그래.
그게 그 꼬마의 방식이었던거다.
everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief.
but no body should ever have to deal with such incredibly-hard-almost-impossible-to-deal-with kind of situation.
it breaks my heart.
it really does...

#
살아있는 동안 사랑하고,
사랑하는 동안 표현하라.
매일 매일,
수백번이고,
수천번이고,
늦기전에,
미루지말고,
아낌없이 말하라.
사랑한다고.
사랑한다고.
기회가 다시 오지 않을지 모르니까..

-- 이 책이 나에게 남겨준 메세지.

#
나는
9/11로 인해 친구를 잃었다.

정확히 말하면 9/11 테러때문에 이라크 "전쟁" -- 나는 이것을 절대 전쟁이라고 보지 않지만 그것은 어쨌든 전쟁이라고 불리어지고 있다 -- 이 났고, 군인이었던 내 친구는 그 전쟁에 참가했고 그곳에서 죽었다.

왜?
왜?
왜?

왜 그렇게 죽어야했는지.
생각할 때마다 눈물이 나고 슬프다 못해 화가 치밀어오르는 것을 참을 수가 없다.

나를 더 아프게 했던 것은 친구의 죽음이 실린 인터넷 신문 기사에 달린 악플들.
죽은 사람을 두고 어떻게 그런 말들을 할 수가 있는지 정말 이해할 수 없다.

아프다.
목이 메인다.

#
가기 전에 한 번만이라도 연락이 되었더라면 좋았을껄..
잘 다녀오라는 얘기라도 해줬을텐데..
늦었지만 보고싶다. 그리고 사랑한다 친구야.

• ...but there seemed no point in fighting any of this. These things were permanent...so now I resolved to ride with them...At least I knew now that at some point, the ride always came to an end, and that even at their very worst, they could not kill me.

• This new sensitivity was not always comfortable, because I found that I could hear a kind of crusading aggression all around me in contemporary society. I heard it in Israel, when I listened to the Israelis and Palestinians condemning each other, wholly unable to appreciate each other's position. It was there again when British politicians attacked their opponents with bitter relish, and even in apparently civilized debates between intellectuals and literary critics on the radio. There was an edge of unpleasant self righteousness as people gleefully demolished their opponents. I heard it all the time in London, when even my most liberal friends inveighed wittily -- and often unkindly -- against this or that. I certainly heard it in Mrs. Thatcher. So my study of the Crusades changed me, making me determined always to try to listen to the other side, and at least try to understand where the enemy was coming from. Had the Crusaders done that, a moral catastrophe could have been averted. Studying the Crusades had confirmed me in my conviction that stridently parochial certainty could be lethal, especially in religious matters. We lived in a global age now, and it was dangerous to assume, without question, that "we" had the monopoly of truth and justice. (260-1)

• Yet another door had slammed in my face...Previously, when disaster had struck, I had not allowed myself to respond fully. Indeed, I had been unable to do so...This time I let myself feel my outrage, frustration, and dismay to the full...But how could I move forward? I seemed doomed to fail, fated to spend my entire life on the periphery...I was toiling up this hill one day, weighed down with plastic bags of uninspiring groceries, that an idea came to me, and (again without realizing it) I tuned another corner.(263)
• ...when I had come to an apparent dead end in the past, my life had sometimes taken a turn for the better. "Because I do not hope to turn again," Eliot had reflected in Ash-Wednesday, "consequently I rejoice." (268)

이 표현이 참 마음에 들었다.
Turning another corner.
막다른 골목에 이르러 벽에 부딪혔을 때 멍하니 서 있지말고 코너를 돌자;)

• The great myths show that when you follow somebody else's path, you go astray. The hero has to set off by himself, leaving the old world and the old ways behind. He must venture into the darkness of the unknown, where there is no map and no clear route. He must fight his own monsters, not somebody else's. explore his own labyrinth, and endure his own ordeal before he can find what is missing in his life. Thus transfigured, he (or she) can bring something of value to the world that has been left behind. But if the knight finds himself riding along an already established track, he is simply following in somebody else's footsteps and will not have an adventure. In the words of the Old French text of The Quest of the Holy Grail, if h wants to succeed, he must enter the forest "at a point that he, himself, had chosen, where it was darkest and there was no path." The wasteland in the Grail legend is a place where people live inauthentic lives, blindly following the norms of their society and doing only what other people expect. (268)

남들 간다는 길, 남들이 좋다는거 따라가다 자신의 길을 잃지 않기를.
줏대없이 쫓아만가다가는 이것도 저것도 아닌게 될테니까.  

• ...but instead of striking out on my own, I had to follow somebody else's. Instead of striking out on my own, I had conformed to a way of life and modes of thought that had often seemed alien. As a result, I found myself in a wasteland, and inauthentic existence, in which I struggled mightily but fruitlessly to do what I was told..."desiring this man's gift and that man's scope." I had too clear a preconceived idea of what I was supposed to be, and was not open to new possibilities. So again I got lost in the wasteland. (269)

• These were professions that brought fulfillment to other people, but they were not for me. Now circumstances had forced me to find my own track and enter the forest at a point that I myself had chosen, where there was no established path. I cannot pretend, however, that at the time I felt like an intrepid knight, striding heroically into the darkness...I had no idea that I was about to "turn again"...It is only now, after more than a decade of study, that I can understand what happened. (270)

• Hyam Maccoby...had told me that in most traditions, faith was not about belief but about practice. Religion is not about accepting twenty impossible propositions before breakfast, but about doing things that change you. It is a moral aesthetic, and ethical alchemy. If you behave in a certain way, you will be transformed. The myths and laws of religion are not true because they conform to some metaphysical, scientific, or historical reality but because they are life enhancing...Their purpose is to compel us to act in such a way that we bring out our own heroic potential. (270)

• In the course of my studies, I have discovered that the religious quest is not about discovering "the truth" or "the meaning of life" but about living as intensely as possible here and now. The idea is not to latch on to some superhuman personality or to "get to heaven" but to discover how to be fully human - hence the images of the perfect or enlightened man, or the deified human being. Archetypal figures such as Muhammad, the Buddha, and Jesus become icons of fulfilled humanity. God or Nirvana is not an optional extra, tacked on to our human nature. Men and women have a potential for the divine, and are not complete unless they realize it within themselves. A passing Brahmin priest once asked the Buddha whether he was a god, a spirit or an angel None of these, the Buddha replied; "I am awake!"(270-1)

• Thus, the myth of the hero shows that it is psychologically damaging to live in the wasteland. If you slavishly follow somebody else's ideas, you will be impoverished and impaired...Blind obedience and unthinking acceptance of authority figures may make an institution work more smoothly, but the people who live under such a regime will remain in an infantile, dependent state. (271)

• All the traditions tell us, one way or another, that we have to leave behind our inbuilt selfishness, with its greedy fears and cravings. We are, the great spiritual writers insist, most fully ourselves when we give ourselves away, and it is egotism that holds us back from that transcendent experience that has been called God, Nirvana, Brahman, or the Tao. (279)

 

• Silence itself had become my teacher...Theology is -- or should be -- a species of poetry, which read quickly or encountered in a hubbub of noise makes no sense. You have to open yourself to a poem with a quiet, receptive mind, in the same way as you might listen to a difficult piece of music. It is no good trying to listen to a late Beethoven quartet or read a sonnet by Rilke at a party. You have to give it your full attention, wait patiently upon it, and make an empty space for it in your mind. (284)

• The religious traditions have all stressed the importance of silence. They have reminded the faithful that these truths are not capable of a simply rational interpretation. Scared texts cannot be perused like a holy encyclopedia, for clear information about the divine. This is not the language of everyday speech or of logical, discursive prose. (285)

• ...I think that I was lucky not to have studied theology or comparative religion at university, where I would have had to write clever papers and sit examinations, get high marks, and aim for a good degree. The rhythm of study would have been wrong -- at least for me. In theology, I am entirely self-taught, and if this makes me an amateur, that need not necessarily be all bad. After all, an amateur is, literally, "one who loves," and I was, day by solitary day, hour by silent hour, falling in love with my subject. (287)

• In every tradition, I was discovering, people turned to art when they tried to express or evoke a religious experience: to painting, music, architecture, dance or poetry. They rarely attempted to define their apprehension of the divine in logical discourse or in the scientific language of hard fact. Like all art, theology is an attempt to express the inexpressible...If you are bent on proving that your own tradition alone is correct, and pour scorn on all other points of view, you are interjecting self and egotism into your study, and the texts will remain closed.(288)

• Do not attach yourself to any particular creed exclusively, so that you may disbelieve all the rest; otherwise you will lose much good, nay, you will fail to recognize the real truth of the matter. God, the omnipresent and omnipotent, is not confined to any one creed, for, he says, "Wheresoever ye turn, there is the face of Allah." Everyone praises what he believes; his god is his own creature, and in praising it he praises himself. Consequently he blames the beliefs of others, which he would not do if he were just, but his dislike is based on ignorance.
  - Ibn al-Arabi

• Compassion does not, of course, mean to feel pity or to condescend, but to feel with. (290)

• ...the late Canadian scholar Wilfred Cantwell Smith...had make his students live according to Muslim law when he was teaching Islamic studies...Because, Cantwell Smith believed, you could not understand the truth of a religion by simply reading about its beliefs. (291)

• To believe or not to believe: that is surely the religious question, is it not? Well...no. To my very great surprise, I was discovering that some of the most eminent Jewish, Christian, and Muslim theologians and mystics insisted that God was not an objective fact, was not another being, and was not an unseen reality like the atom, whose existence could be empirically demonstrated. Some went so far as to say that it was better to say that God did not exist, because our notion of existence was too limited to apply to God...Our notion of a personal God is one symbolic way of speaking about the divine, but it cannot contain the far more elusive reality. (291-292)

• But did that mean that we could think what we liked about God? No. Here again, the religious traditions were in unanimous agreement. The one and only test of a valid religious idea, doctrinal statement, spiritual experience, or devotional practice was that it must lead directly to practical compassion. If your understanding of the divine made you kinder, more empathetic, and impelled you to express this sympathy in concrete acts of loving-kindness, this was good theology. But if your notion of God made you unkind, belligerent, cruel or self-righteous, or if it led you to kill in God's name, it was bad theology...

• In killing Muslims and Jews in the name of God, the Crusaders had simply projected their own fear and loathing onto a deity which they had created in their own image and likeness, thereby giving this hatred a seal of absolute approval. A personalized God can easily lead to this type of idolatry, which is why the more thoughtful Jews, Christians, and Muslims insisted that while you could begin by thinking of God as a person, God transcended personality as "he" went beyond all other human categories. (293)

• ...the whole of Western theology had been characterized by an inappropriate reliance upon reason alone, ever since the scientific revolution of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. Rationalism had achieved such spectacular results that empirical reason came to be regarded as the sole path to truth, and Western people started to talk about God as an objective, demonstrable fact like any other. The more intuitive disciplines of mythology and mysticism were discredited. (294)

• As a very early Buddhist poem puts it: "May our loving thoughts fill the whole world; above, below, across -- without limit a boundless goodwill toward the whole world, unrestricted, free of hatred and enmity." We are liberated from personal likes and dislikes that limit our vision, and are able to go beyond ourselves. (296)

• This insight was not confined to Buddhism, however. The late Jewish scholar Abraham Joshua Heschel once said that when we put ourselves at the opposite pole of ego, we are in the place where God is. The Golden Rule requires that every time we are tempted to say or do something unpleasant about a rival, an annoying colleague, or a country with which we are at war, we should ask ourselves how we should like this said of or done to ourselves, and refrain. In that moment we would transcend the frightened egotism that often needs to wound or destroy others in order to shore up the sense of ourselves. If we lived in such a way on a daily, hourly basis, we would not only have no time to worry overmuch about whether there was a personal God "out there"; we would achieve constant ecstasy, because we would be ceaselessly going beyond ourselves, our selfishness and greed. If our political leaders took the Golden Rule seriously into account, the world would be a safer place. (296-7)

• The silence in which I live has also opened my ears and eyes to the suffering of the world. In silence, you begin to hear the note of pain that informs so much of the anger and posturing that pervade social and political like. Solitude is also a teacher. (297)

• I tremble for our world, where, in the smallest ways, we find it impossible, as Marshall Hodgson enjoined, to find room for the other in our minds. If we cannot accommodate a viewpoint in a friend without resorting to unkindness, how can we hope to heal the terrible problems of our planet? (298)

• I learn that ego is at the heart of all pain. When I get beyond this for a few moments, I fell enlarged and enhanced --  just as the Buddha promised. (298)

• In a relationship, you constantly have to go beyond yourself. Each day you have to forgive something, each day you have to put yourself to one side to accommodate your partner. looking after somebody else means that you have to give yourself away. (298)

• ...you must not practice the spirituality of empathy simply in order to get something for yourself. I am sure that this is what Jesus meant when he told people to love their enemies. You have to be prepared to extend your compassionate interest where there is no hope of a return. This is probably what T. S. Eliot meant when he prayed, "Teach us to care and not to care" -- without interjecting yourself into your concern. And abuse feeds back into the Golden Rule. It reminds me what it is like for people in our world who are constantly reviled and misrepresented...It seems that the inner dynamic of all these great religious traditions can work effectively only if you do not close your mind and heart to other human beings. (299-300)

• And yet the very absence I felt so acutely was paradoxically a presence in my life, When you miss somebody very intensely, they are in a sense, with you all the time. They often fill your mind and heart more than they do when they are physically present. (300)

• If we try to hold on to our partial glimpses of the divine, we cut it down to our own size and close our minds. Like it or not, our human experience of anything or anybody is always incomplete: there is usually something that eludes us, some portion of experience that evades our grasp. We used to think that science would answer all our questions and solve all the mysteries, but the more we learn, the more mysterious our world becomes. (302)

• What is vital to all of the traditions, however, is that we have a duty to make the best of the only thing that remains to us -- ourselves. Our task now is to mend our broken world; if religion cannot do that, it is worthless. And what our world needs now is not belief, not certainty, but compassionate action and practically expressed respect for the sacred value of all human beings, even our enemies. (304)

• The September apocalypse was a revelation -- an "unveiling" of a reality that had been there all the time but which we had not seen clearly enough before: we live in one world. (304)

[Section I] Discipline

 

Problems and Pain

 

Life is difficult.
This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult -- once we truly understand and accept it -- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.
Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan...as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy.
Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them?
What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one...And since life poses an endless series of problems, life is always difficult and is full of pain as well as joy.
Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. Is is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. 16

 

The Sins of the Father

"Do as I say, not as I do" parents
If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self-discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibers of his being that this is the way to live...Yet even more important than role modeling is love...When we love something it is of value to us, and when something is of value to us we spend time with it, time enjoying it and time taking care of it....So it is when we love children; we spend time admiring them and caring for them. We give them our time. 22

The feeling of being valuable -- "I am a valuable person" -- is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self discipline. 24

 

Problem-Solving and Time

A ubiquitous and universal defect = It is the hope that problems will go away of their own accord.
Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit. 30

 

Neuroses and Character Disorders

It is said that "neurotics make themselves miserable; those with character disorders make everyone else miserable." 38

Escape from Freedom

My time was my responsibility. It was up to me and me alone to decide how I wanted to use and order my time. If I wanted to invest my time more heavily than my fellow residents in my work, then that was my choice, and the consequences of that choice were my responsibility. 41

 

"Take charge of me. You be the boss!"

Whenever we seek to avoid the responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual or organization or entity. But this means we then give away our power to that entity, be it "fate" or "society" or the government or the corporation or our boss. It is for this reason that Erich Fromm so aptly titled his study of Nazism and authoritarianism Escape from Freedom. In attempting to avoid the pain of responsibility, millions and even billions daily attempt to escape from freedom. 42

Yes, I agree...there are indeed oppressive forces at work within the world. We have, however, the freedom to choose every step of the way the manner in which we are going to respond to and deal with these forces. 43

...they must learn that the entirety of one's adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions. If they can accept this totally, then they become free people. To the extent that they do not accept this they will forever feel themselves victims. 44

 

Dedication to Reality

The more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world. The less clearly we see the reality of the world -- the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions -- the less able we will be to determine correct courses of action and make wise decisions. Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost. 44

While this is obvious, it is something that most people...choose to ignore. They ignore it because our route to reality is not easy. First of all, we are not born with maps; we have to make them, and the making requires effort. They more effort we make to appreciate and perceive reality, the larger and more accurate our maps will be. But many do not want to make this effort. Some stop making it by the end of adolescence Their maps are small and sketchy, their views of the world narrow and misleading. By the end of middle age most people have given up the effort. They feel certain that their maps are complete and they are no longer interested in new information. It is as if they are tired. Only a relative and fortunate few continue until the moment of death exploring the mystery of reality, ever enlarging and refining and redefining their understanding of the world and what is true. 45

...if our maps are to be accurate we have to continually revise them. The world itself is constantly changing....When we have children to care for, the world looks different from when we have none; when we are raising infants, the world seems different from when we are raising adolescents. When we are poor, the world looks different from when we are rich. We are daily bombarded with new information as to the nature of reality. 45

Often this act of ignoring is much more than passive. We may denounce the new information as false, dangerous, heretical, the work of the devil. We may actually crusade against it. and even attempt to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality. Sadly, such a person may expend much more energy ultimately in defending an outmoded view of the world than would have been required to revise and correct it in the first place. 46

Openness to Challenge

 

A life of total dedication to the truth also means a life of willingness to be personally challenged. The only way that we can be certain that our map of reality is valid is to expose it to the criticism and challenge of other map-makers. Otherwise we live in a closed system. 53

 

Withholding Truth

 

A black lie is a statement we make that we know is false. A white lie is a statement we make that is not in itself false but that leaves out a significant part of the truth. The fact that a lie is white does not in itself make it any less of a lie or any more excusable. White lies may be every bit as destructive as black ones. A government that withholds essential information from its people by censorship is no more democratic than one that speaks falsely....White-lying is considered socially acceptable in many of our relationships because "we don't want to hurt people's feelings." Yet we may bemoan the fact that our social relationships are generally superficial. 59

 

Usually such withholding and lack of openness is rationalized on the basis of a loving desire to protect and shield their children from unnecessary worries. Yet more often than not such "protection" is unsuccessful....The result, then, is not protection but deprivation. The children are deprived of the knowledge they might gain about money, illness, drugs, sex, marriage, their parents, their grandparents and people in general. They are also deprived of the reassurance they might receive if these topics were discussed more openly. Finally, they are deprived of role models of partial honesty, incomplete openness and limited courage. 60

 

What rules can one follow if one is dedicated to the truth? First, never speak falsehood. Second, bear in mind that the act of withholding the truth is always potentially a lie, and that in each instance in which the truth is withheld a significant moral decision is required. Third, the decision to withhold the truth should never be based on personal needs, such as a need for power, a need to be liked or a need to protect one's map from challenge. Fourth, and conversely, the decision to withhold the truth must always be based entirely upon the needs of the person from whom the truth is being withheld. Fifth, the assessment of another's needs is an act of responsibility which is so complex that it can only be executed wisely when one operates with genuine love for the other. Sixth, the primary factor in the assessment of another's needs is the assessment of tat person's capacity to utilize the truth for his or her own spiritual growth. Finally, in assessing the capacity of another to utilize the truth for personal spiritual growth, it should be borne in mind that our tendency is generally to underestimate rather than overestimate this capacity. 63

 

....rewards of the difficult life of honesty and dedication to the truth are more than commensurate with the demands. By virtue of the fact that their maps are continually being challenged, open people are continually growing people. Through their openness they can establish and maintain intimate relationships far more effectively than more closed people. Because they never speak falsely they can be secure and proud in the knowledge that they have done nothing to contribute to the confusion of the world, but have served as sources of illumination and clarification. Finally, they are totally free to be. They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. They need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises. And ultimately they find that the energy required for the self-discipline of honesty is far less than the energy required for secretiveness. 63

 

 

[Section II] Love

 

Love Defined

 

When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion -- through the fact that for that someone (or for our self) we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful. 83

 

....the desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both and intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. 83

 

Falling in "Love"

 

Falling in love is not an extension of one's limits or boundaries; it is a partial and temporary collapse of them. The extension of one's limits requires effort; falling in love is effortless.

 

The Myth of Romantic Love

 

....all couples learn that a true acceptance of their own and each other's individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can be based and real love can grow. 93

 

More About Ego Boundaries

 

....we must be attracted toward, invested in and committed to an object outside of ourselves, beyond the boundaries of self. Psychiatrists call this process of attraction, investment and commitment "cathexis" and say that we "cathect" the beloved object. 94

 

Dependency

 

"What you describe is parasitism, not love. When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual. There is no choice, no freedom involved in your relationship. It is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other." 98

 

They tolerate loneliness very poorly. Because of their lack of wholeness they have no real sense of identity, and they define themselves solely by their relationships. 99

 

Cathexis without Love

 

Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting. It is leadership. The word "judicious" means requiring judgment, and judgment requires more than instinct; it requires thoughtful and often painful decision making. 111

 

"Self-Sacrifice"

 

....loving is a complicated rather than a simple activity, requiring the participation of his entire being -- his head as well as his heart. 112

 

He had to learn that not giving at the right time was more compassionate than giving at the wrong time, and that fostering independence was more loving than taking care of people who could otherwise take care of themselves. 113

 

....social sadomasochism, in which people unconsciously desire to hurt and be hurt by each other through their nonsexual interpersonal relations. 114

 

Whenever we think of ourselves as doing something for someone else, we are in some way denying our own responsibility. Whatever we do is done because we choose to do it, and we make that choice because it is the one that satisfies us the most. Whatever we do for someone else we do because it fulfills a need we have. Parents who say to their children, "You should be grateful for all that we have done for you" are invariably parents who are laking in love to a significant degree. Anyone who genuinely loves knows the pleasure of loving. When we genuinely love we do so because we want to love. We have children because we want to have children, and if we are loving parents, it is because we want to be loving parents. It is true that love involves a change in the self, but this is an extension of the self rather than a sacrifice of the self. As will be discussed again later, genuine love is a self-replenishing activity. Indeed, it is even more; it enlarges rather than diminishes the self; it fills the self rather than depleting it. In a real sense love is as selfish as nonlove....In the case of genuine love the aim is always spiritual growth. In the case of nonlove the aim is always something else. 116

 

Love is Not a Feeling

 

The misconception that love is a feeling exists because we confuse cathecting with loving....we may cathect any object, animate or inanimate, with or without a spirit....we have cathected another human being does not mean that we care a whit for that person's spiritual development....the intensity of our cathexes frequently has nothing to do with wisdom or commitment....our cathexes may be fleeting and momentary. 117

 

Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone's spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively. 118

 

....the consistent and steadfast caring that can arise only from a capacity for commitment. This does not mean that the therapist always feels like listening to the patient. Commitment means that the therapist listens to the patient, like it or not. It is no different in a marriage. In a constructive marriage, the partners must regularly, routinely and predictably, attend to each other and their relationship no matter how they fell. As has been mentioned, couples sooner or later always fall out of love, and it is at the moment when the mating instinct has run its course that the opportunity for genuine love begins. 118

 

When love exists it does so with or without cathexis and with or without a loving feeling. It is easier -- indeed, it is fun -- to love with cathexis and the feeling of love. But it is possible to love without cathexis and without loving feelings, and it is in the fulfillment of this possibility that genuine and transcendent love is distinguished from simple cathexis. The key word in this distinction is "will." I have defined love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own and another's spiritual growth. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. 119

 

My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. 119

 

The Work of Attention

 

Love, then, is a form of work or a form of courage. Specifically, it is work or courage directed toward the nurture of our own or another's spiritual growth. 120

 

I loved him because I perceived him to be a person of great value worth attending to, and I loved myself because I was willing to work on behalf of my growth....Love, as we shall see again and again, is invariably a two-way street, a reciprocal phenomenon whereby the receiver also gives and the giver also receives. 123

 

At these times what children want from interaction is not communication but simply closeness, and pretend listening will suffice to provide them with the sense of being with that they want. Furthermore, children themselves often like to drift in and out of communication and will be understanding of their parents' selective listening, since they are only selectively communicating. 124

 

The Risk of Loss

 

Now we have said that simple cathexis is not love, that love transcends cathexis. This is true, but love requires cathexis for a beginning. We can love only that which in one way or another has importance for us. But with cathexis there is always the risk of loss or rejection. If you move out to another human being, there is always the risk that that person will move away from you, leaving you more painfully alone than you were before. 133

 

If we can lie with the knowledge that death is our constant companion, traveling on our "left shoulder," then death can become in the words of Don Juan, our "ally," still fearsome but continually a source of wise counsel. With death's counsel, the constant awareness of the limit of our time to live and love, we can always be guided to make the best use of our time and live life to the fullest. 134

 

The Risk of Independence

 

Many never take any of these potential enormous leaps, and consequently many do not ever really grow up at all. Despite their outward appearances they remain psychologically still very much the children of their parents, living by hand-me-down values, motivated primarily by their parents' approval and disapproval (even when their parents are long dead and buried), never having dared to truly take their destiny into their own hands. 137

 

...major changes are acts of self-love. 138

 

...not only does love for oneself provide the motive for such major changes; it also is the basis for the courage to risk them. 138

 

The Risk of Commitment

 

...it is our sense of commitment after the wedding which makes possible the transition from falling in love to genuine love. And it is our commitment after conception which transforms us from biological into psychological parents. 140

 

She realized that sex was not a matter commitment but one of self-expression and play and exploration and learning and joyful abandonment. Knowing that I would always be available to her if she became bruised, like the good mother she had never had, she was free to allow her sexuality to burst forth. Her frigidity melted. By the time she terminated therapy in the fourth year, Rachel had become a vivacious and openly passionate person who was busily enjoying all that human relationships have to offer. 147

 

The Risk of Confrontation

 

Two ways to confront or criticize another human being: 1) the way of arrogance; 2) the way of humility.

 

To fail to confront when confrontation is required for the nurture of spiritual growth represents a failure to love equally as does thoughtless criticism or condemnation and other forms of active deprivation of caring. 153

 

No marriage can be judged truly successful unless husband and wife are each other's best critics. The same hold true for friendship. 153

 

If we want to be heard we must speak in a language the listener can understand and on a level at which the listener is capable of operating. If we are to love we must extend ourselves to adjust our communication to the capacities of our beloved. 154

 

Love is Disciplined

 

"Shallow brooks are noisy" and "Still water run deep." 156

 

While one should not be a salve to one's feelings, self-discipline does not mean the swashing of one's feelings into non-existence....one's feelings are the source of one's energy, we should treat them with respect.  156

 

...guilt-ridden neurotic so often exerts over his feelings, is equally self destructive. 157

 

To attempt to love someone who cannot benefit from your love with spiritual growth is to waste your energy, to cast your seed upon arid ground. 158

 

There is frequently something pathetic about the individual who has failed to build his family into a loving unit, yet restlessly searches for loving relationships outside the family. The first obligation of a genuinely loving person will always be to his marital and parental relationships. 159

 

When I genuinely love I am extending myself, and when I am extending myself I am growing. The more I love, the longer I love, the larger I become. Genuine love is self-replenishing. 160

 

Love is Separateness

 

...the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved. The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity....the genuine lover always respects and even encourages this separateness and the unique individuality of the beloved. 160

 

...the vast majority of parents fail in some degree to adequately recognize or fully appreciate the unique individuality or  "otherness" of their children. 163

 

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

"The purpose and function of Lily," I responded, "is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for my benefit but for her own and to the glory of God." 166

 

...I draw the analogy between marriage and a base camp for mountain climbing. If one wants to climb mountains one must have a good base camp, a place where there are shelters and provisions, where one may receive nurture and rest before one ventures forth again to seek another summit. Successful mountain climbers know that they must spend at least as much time, if not more, in tending to their base camp as they actually do in climbing mountains, for their survival is dependent upon their seeing to t that their base camp is sturdily constructed and well stocked. 167

On Marriage Kahlil Gibran You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

 

  

[Section III] Growth and Religion

 

World Views and Religion

 

...our understanding of what life is all about....is our religion. Since everyone has some understanding -- some world view, no matter how limited or primitive or inaccurate -- everyone has a religion. This fact, not widely recognized, is of the utmost importance: everyone has a religion. 185

 

We have a situation in which human beings, who must deal with each other, have vastly different views as to the nature of reality, yet each one believes his or her own view to be the correct one since it is based on the microcosm of personal experience. 192

 

The Baby and the Bath Water

 

There is clearly a lot of dirty bath water surrounding the reality of God. Holy wars. Inquisitions. Animal sacrifice. Human sacrifice. Superstition. Stultification. Dogmatism. Ignorance. Hypocrisy. Self-righteousness. Rigidity. Cruelty. Book-burning. Witch-burning. Inhibition. Fear. Conformity. Morbid guilt. Insanity. The list is almost endless. But  is all this what God has done to humans or what humans have done to God? 222

 

"collective unconscious ," in which we inherit the wisdom of the experience of our ancestors without ourselves having the personal experience. 252

 

How People Change by Allen Wheelis

 

Those who achieve growth not only enjoy the fruits of growth but give the same fruits to the world. Evolving as individuals, we carry humanity on our backs. And so humanity evolves. 267

 

...the impediments to spiritual growth. Ultimately there is only the one impediment, and that is laziness. 271

 

the ubiquitous nature of laziness 272

 

The debate between the serpent and God is symbolic of the dialogue between good and evil which can and should occur within the minds of human beings....So original sin does exist; it is our laziness. 273

 

A major form that laziness takes is fear. 274

 

Ordinary laziness is nonlove; evil is antilove.

 

Our personal involvement in the fight against evil in the world is one of the ways we grow. 279

  

...what is the capacity of spiritual power if not the capacity to coerce? It is the capacity to make decisions with maximum awareness. It is consciousness.

Most people most of the time make decisions with little awareness of what they are doing. They take action with little understanding of their own motives and without beginning to know the ramifications of their choices....

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and the most enlightened when we are the most confused. 285

 

The one who regards his division simply and solely as a unit of strategy may sleep easily after having made his decision. But for the other, with his awareness of each of the lives of the men under his command, the decision will be agonizing. We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization. The decision whether to praise or punish a single child may have vast consequences. It is easy to act with the awareness of limited data and let the chips fall as they may. The greater our awareness, however, the more and more data we must assimilate and integrate into our decision-making. The more we know, the more complex decisions become. Yet the more and more we know, the more it begins to become possible to predict just where the chips will fall. 287

 

Serendipity was defined as "the gift of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for." Buddha found enlightenment only when he stopped seeking for it -- when he let it come to him. On the other hand, who can doubt that enlightenment came to him precisely because he had devoted at least sixteen years of his life seeking it, sixteen years in preparation? He had to both seek for it and not seek for it. 308

 

• "동생을 보낼 때, 그리고 지금도 자주 떠올리는 빅터 프랭클의 말이 하나 있습니다.
  우리는 질문을 하는 존재가 아니라 삶으로부터 질문을 받는 존재라고..
  이런 시련이 왜 내게 왔느냐고 묻는 대신, 이 시련과 운명이 내게 무엇을 요구하는지를 생각해야 한다고, 거기에 어떻게 답하느냐에 따라 삶이 달라진다는 것이지요."
  
  .
• "원래 제 잘난 맛에 사는 사람은 남을 헤아릴 줄 아는 능력이 좀 떨어져."
  
  .
• "미스코리아가 한국사회에 끼치는 가장 큰 해악은 바로 미스코리아가 이름만 한국을 대표할 뿐 전혀 한국적이지 않은, 기형적으로 서구화된 미인을 뽑는다는 데 있다. 식생활 변화로 체형이 많이 서구화됐다고는 하나 미스코리아가 지향하는 미의 기준은 한국적인 것과는 거리가 멀다. 그리고 이 잘못된 기준으로 작은 얼굴, 긴 다리는 아름다운 것이고 짧은 다리와 큰 얼굴은 추하다는 편견을 만들어냈다. 근대 미학을 재정립한 바움가르텐은 아름다움은 감성적 인식의 완전한 형태라고 설명했다. 아름다움이란 지식과 경험, 우월하거나 열등한 것, 지적이거나 감각적이라는 상반되는 두 요소의 인식에 의해 판단되는 것이지 판박이 상품이 아니다."
  
  .
• "한국에서 프랑스어를 전공한 후 패션에 대한 열망으로 프랑스 파리에 건너가 에스모드에서 공부했다. 그후 도쿄의 히로코 고시노 디자인오피스에서 4년간 일했다. 패션관계 일을 하다보니 주변이 온통 여자들인 이유도 있지만 일본에서 일하며 한국인으로서 마이너의 시각으로 세상을 바라보며 느낀 체험이 동기가 됐다. 그 전까지 나는 메이저가 되기 위해 노력했지만 일본, 프랑스 등에서 이방인으로 살면서 마이너의 신분으로 사회생활을 하며 중요하다고 생각한 것을 차례로 스스로 허물고 열린 눈으로 세상을 보는 법을 배웠다.
  
  여성상위시대라고 하고 알파걸이 맹활약하지만 아직도 대한민국에서 여성은 마이너이고 지위 역시 열악하다. 만일 내가 한국에서 계속 살았다면 나 역시 아저씨들의 세계와 가치관에 편입돼 절대 대한민국 여성들에 관한 관찰이나 애정어린 비판서는 쓸 수 없었을 것이다. 대한민국에서 물질적으로 가장 축복받았다는 청담동 여자들조차 여성이란 이유로 많은 편견과 불이익에 시달리고 있는 게 현실이다."
  
  .
• "한국사회의 가장 큰 문제는 아버지가 없는 나라라는 것이다. 가정이나 사회에서 진정으로 국운을 짊어질 책임감 있는 정신적 지주가 없다. 잘난 사람, 똑똑한 사람은 넘쳐나지만 정말 정의롭고 누구나 존경할 만한 아버지 같은 어르신이 없다. 또 보통 남자들의 경우엔 여성들에 비해 진화속도가 너무 느리고 감성이 너무 부족하다. 세계 어느 여성들보다 열정적이고 시대 정신과 적응력이 뛰어난 대한민국 여성들과 보조를 맞출 수 있는 열린 사고의 섬세하고 남을 배려할 줄 아는 아저씨들의 등장을 기대한다."
  
   

Buy a good bed. You gotta spend a third of the rest of your life in it, you wanna be comfortable.

Lorne Green

#0
人間萬事塞翁之馬
당신이 앞으로 두 달밖에 살지 못할거라는 시한부 선고를 받았다면?

 

#1
방학이 반 땡!
지점을 살짝 지나가고 있다.
끝나갈 때가 되어가면 갈수록 시간은 더 빨리 간다. 
방학은 -- 인생은 -- 참 두루마리 휴지 같구나.

 

#2
한국
갈 날짜가 코 앞이네.
이것 저것 준비하고 정리해야할 것들이 한두가지가 아니네.

#2.5
날짜가 안 맞아서 못가겠군 하고 아쉬워했던 콘써트들이
알고보니 티켓 가격이 거의 십만원에 육박.
캭.
시간이 됐어도 비싸서 못/안갔다- _-
영화나 많이 보고 와야징.
이히힛.

 

#3
인생
은 긴 마라톤임과 동시에 수십개의 100m 달리기의 연속이다. 
결승선에 다다르고 보면 그것은 끝이 아닌 또 다른 시작이기 때문이다.
일등을 할 때도 있고, 꼴등을 할 때도 있고, 넘어져서 다칠 때도 있고.. 
중요한건 포기하지 않고 뛰는 것이다. 

#3.5
살아 있으면서 될 수 있으면 다양한 일들을 해보고 싶었는데,
이런 기회가 나에게 왔다는 것에 참 감사하다.
아주 좋은 경험이 될 것 같다.
생각만으로 기쁘다.

 

#4
바램
그 어떤 것에도 굴하지 않는 용기.
자기 자신만이 아니라 다른 사람을 생각하고 베풀 줄 아는,
남을 위해 뜨거운 눈물을 흘릴 수 있는 마음.

맨발로 풀밭을 뛰어다니며 놀 수 있도록.
가끔은 숟가락 젓가락 대신 손 끝으로 따뜻한 밥알의 감촉을 느낄 수 있도록.
실패를 두려워하지 않고 항상 새로운 것에 도전하도록.

아름답고 자유로운 영혼이어라.

 

#5
人香
 "책에서 봤는데 사람마다 조금씩 다른 인향이란 게 있대요. 인공적인 냄새나 꾸밈 보다 저절로 채워지는 인향을 만들고 싶어요."

 

#6
http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/story.aspx?guid=%7BB92DE381%2D5C0A%2D45CD%2DBEAD%2DDD81B8A6CFA4%7D&siteid=rss

ㅋㅋㅋ 어머 어쩜 좋아.
Professor Lockhart가 생각나. 푸흐흐.
나 해리포터 영향 제대로 받았다+_+;;;

 

#7
정말이라구.
술 알레르기가 있다구.

내가 이렇게 말하면 믿지 않는 사람들이 많은데
(많은게 아니라 거의 다가 믿지 않는 분위기- _-)
정말 그렇다니까니.

"간에 알콜 분해효소가 적을 경우 분해가 안된 독성물질인 아세트 알데히드가 몸에 알레르기 반응을 일으킨다."

그 반응 = 인간 토마토가 되는 것;;
얼굴, 귀, 목 심지어는 몸통까지 빨개진다.
조금만 마셔도 머리가 아프고 몸이 간지럽다.

에잇..
난 술이 세고 싶은뎅.

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

Confucius.

옳소.

have been feeling a little bit 'unexcited' (under-excited?) these days.
sort of spiritless and inactive.
i wish i could say that it's all because of the weather, but i know it isn't.
for the past couple of days i've been hoping for something exciting to happen.
wishing for something that would amuse me and excite me in some way, somehow.
so that my boring life gets animated, comes alive and be spontaneous!!
i guess i was over thinking, over expecting life.
after reading jade's posting i was reminded that
life isn't
but
life is.
plainly and simply, life is.

so i'm gonna smile! knowing and thanking i have the health to get up and go through this -19°C (feels like -31°C-_-) snowy day.
and take one step at a time.
slowly and smiley :)